The Beach House

feeling good!!

2009-06-18T07:48:00.001-07:00

I FINALLY got myself back into the gym this morning!!! I have been on an 8 week hiatus due to some serious morning sickness. I can't believe how much it takes it out of ya ..

anyways .. I never shared this while I was doing it .. but starting in late Sept. '08, I did the Body For Life program .. it's a 12 week weight training program designed specifically for CHANGE!! I lost just under 30 lbs and I was feeling SO great!! I did it with this pregnancy in mind .. knowing that I'd be in better shape to start, better mind set, and well .. there's just nothing but benefits to being in good shape!!! The 12 weeks turned into 6 months .. and then pregnancy happened .. then miscarriage ... then pregnancy again. 5 lbs of craziness crept back on .. but I was still working out regularly.

ANYWAYS ... in the past 15 weeks of pregnancy, I've gained exactly 15 pounds!!!!! I know that some gain is normal .. but I've never packed it on quite this fast!! I just keep remembering one thing: GRACE. I gotta have it .. and I gotta give it to myself in this 9 months.

I'm definitely rambling ... it's just nice to be back in the gym .. day 1 today ... thought I'd share this time.

You're gonna love this ...

2009-06-08T19:30:00.000-07:00

Soooo ... to those of you that still read ... get ready to be very proud of your Becky-Friend.

Today I went to Mardel (Christian Book Store out here) to get a devotional book or SOMETHING to help guide my daily walk. I'm slackin' big time. I don't even know where my Bible is right now. ANYWAYS ... as I was leaving the store, I pulled out of my parking spot RIGHT in front of someone ... I hate when I do that!! Well, I stopped, and tried to do the shoulder-shrug-hand-wave-i'm-so-sorry gesture .. but the woman gave me SERIOUS attitude ... rightly so ... I was definitely in the wrong.

But something about her un-forgiveness just rubbed me the wrong way. It was not the right time to mess with me .. I was NOT in the mood. So I, like the good Christian woman I am, leaving the bookstore w/ my new Beth Moore in tow ... 2 small innocent babies in the backseat .. RETURNED the attitude .. slammed my car in reverse, got out of her way, and very sarcastically ushered her on her way... oh, and as she drove past, flipped her a double bird to put the icing on the cake.

aren't you proud?

guh... His Grace is sufficient.

Tonight as I was putting Paige to bed .. bedtime prayers came ... I prayed ... and out loud asked for forgiveness for my attitude. I asked God to help me get through the 4:00 - bedtime hours tomorrow .. and then it was time to sing. Pretty much every night, Paige wants "Love'm in the Morning" .. which is a song about God's Grace.... the last line goes, "and in the in between time, when you feel the pressure comin' .. remember that He loves you and He promises to stay" ...(see my "2 year old Mercy" blog from like a year ago) well tonight, she wanted, "Jesus Loves Me" ...

Jesus Loves Me ... this I know ...

Yes, Jesus Loves Me

Yes, Jesus Loves Me ... the Bible tells me so.

better get mine out ... 'night.

New Blogs Coming Soon!

2009-05-20T07:54:00.001-07:00

Crazy huh? It's been a while .. not even sure you're checking it anymore! I know I wouldn't!!

I've had a rough first trimester with this new pregnancy - but tomorrow marks the start of the 2nd trimester! YAY!!!

more later ... just wanted to let you know that I'm gettin' the itch to blog again.

smiles!

Becky

A Reflection ..

2008-11-15T06:45:00.000-08:00

I am learning so much about myself through my girls. It really is astounding to me.

It's a reflection, I think.

I have some pretty big insecurities .. always nervous about the way that I parent .. if I'm too tough on Paige, too lenient on Brooke .. if I speak harsh words to them, I worry that it's all they see or think of me. I'm learning that I tend to let my insecurities define me, but my kiddos help me realize the true definition of who I am.

Last night the girls were playing around and Brooke ... my tenacious little 15 month old ... who brings a smile to my face as I write her name ... I want the world to know her ... she's a kick ... anyways, something set Brooke off. Her response is pretty consistent: she gives you this look like you're the rudest person in the world, runs away .. typically to a chair or something .. takes about 8 seconds to regroup, then turns slowly and gives you the evil eye. That is her way of telling you that you just TICKED HER OFF. I love it .. I think it's the cutest thing in the entire world .. I have to hold in the laughter.

When Brooke graced us all with her moment of attitude, Paige walked over to her and gently said, "Brooke .. are you so mad?" (in a cute way .. just trying to reach her .. ya know?) and spoke so sweetly and kindly to her little sassy sister.

That was an "a-ha" moment for me. I felt God pat me on the back at that point, telling me, "I'm so proud of you, Becky."

Paige learned to be sweet, and speak kindly, because guess what? I speak kindly and sweetly to her!! I actually do!!! I always worry that she'll snap at her, or be mean ... like I do and am sometimes.

Ya know how it's said that when you say something negative, it takes 10 positive things to overcome that one negative thing? I think that's where the insecurity comes from for me. I think I hold on to the few times that I do things I regret, and feel defined by those things. But then I see my little reflections ...my little girls... do things that are kind and caring, and I feel a "way to go" from my Father, and I'm defined the right way.

Now ... I do know ... I'm actually VERY well aware, that Brooke's sassiness comes from me too! (I can hear some chuckles!) And I'm so encouraged by my love for it ... because it's a reminder to me that my Father .. my Creator .. loves me .. sass'n all. When I'm being difficult .. when I do things that aren't a reflection of who I am .. He smiles. He knows me .. and knows that I'm becoming. I'm in the "During" of my creation process. I'm becoming.

I think it's Max Lucado who talks about how silver is refined/purified ... the impurities are brought to the surface when the silver is subjected to fire .. the refiner then scrapes them off of the surface until he can see his reflection clearly .. then the silver is refined .. pure .. what it was created to be: A Reflection.

catchin' up

2008-11-02T12:57:00.000-08:00

Hey! Check out our halloween pictures at:

http://gallery.me.com/beckybeach#100171

So what's been up? Life is AWESOME!! I haven't had the motivation or time to sit and blog because I'm just havin' FUN!! Paige and Brooke are SO fun these days. Brooke is at the best age .. really REALLY interacting and just bein' a GOOF ball ..

"aaaaaaaaa"

"cheeeeeeese"

"cheeeeese"

and Paige ... Paige is so smart and surprises me DAILY with the things she knows ... the other day, when I went to go vote, I was explaining to her what was about to happen. I said, "Paige! You and Brooke are going to go with me when I vote for the President of the United States!!" .. and she said, "of AMEEEERICA???" ... it cracked me up .. so I said, "Yes! Isn't that exciting?" .. and she said ..

I couldn't get the video to download .. click here for the link to youtube ...

... yes, she's brilliant. She just turned 3 in September!! I knew they said it at CBS every week, but I was amazed that she KNEW it ... I have to tell you that she said it perfectly about 100 times before we got out the video camera. She had a little block with the "and to the republic" part on camera. SO CUTE!!

So anyways .. life is definitely fun, and I'm tellin' ya .. we are having the most BEAUTIFUL fall!! Today .. November 2nd .. I took a walk with the girls in SHORTS and a T-SHIRT in 78 degree weather!! The colors are still so brilliant on many of the trees. It's just gorgeous.

Here's some pictures from a hike we took a few weeks ago ...

the fam

can you see us way down in there having our picnic?

cute little muffins ....

gonna brag here ... we don't even have to drive to get to the trailhead ...

Life is good .. very, very good ... thanks for being a part of this blog. Here's a fun little slide show I put together a few weeks ago ... So fun!! Hopefully I'll update again sooner than later!!!

An old blog that I never published ...

2008-10-01T12:01:00.000-07:00

I wrote this exactly 3 months ago ... wanted to see what you guys thought about it ...

I have some questions ...

Does evil actually exist, or is evil defined as the absence of good?

If evil exists, doesn't that mean it was created? Is a perfect God capable of creating something that has no part in Him?

If evil is the "absence of good" .. then explain the Tree of Knowledge between good and evil??

I guess the Tree could be the, "Knowledge of good and the 'absence of good'" ... I just don't get how the "absence of good" is so very, very evil.

My mind is churning ... I'm sick to my stomach tonight.

I read an article about a 16 year old boy launching an 8 month old baby off of an air pillow ... I read the article: "Flying Baby Lands Teen Behind Bars," and then was stupid enough to watch the video. I don't know why I do that to myself. I really, REALLY shouldn't put those images in my head .. but tonight I made the mistake and now I'm broken for the 8 month old baby that was so disregarded .. used. I'm just sick.

(I will add here that the baby did not get physically injured)

Tonight, on my way up to bed, I kissed my sweet Paige and then I just had to go in and hold Brooke. I went in, picked her up, and just HELD my baby. I just love my Brooke and I am so so broken for babies that don't get to be loved. It makes me want to open my home to all of them and rescue them ... I'm just broken. I hate that kid. I'm so mad at him for being so evil .. so disgusting and wrong and hurtful and sick ..I hate him .. I really do. I hate him and I want him to suffer for what he did. It all comes out when I'm holding my Brooke.

When I'm holding pure innocence in my my arms ... she didn't stay asleep .. she woke up and when she saw me, she didn't just smile, she LAUGHED ... she LAUGHED ... joyful that her mommy picked her up and held her ... so much love for her ... so much.

As I'm writing this, (with my eyes closed attempting to let the feelings flow and not get caught up in the words) Mercy is awakening in my soul. Mercy for that teenager .. mercy for him too. It's so not fair, but it is... if I get it, he gets it ... and guess what? He deserves it. Guh, why is that such a burden? I'm torn because it's both frustrating and beautiful.

So really, what is it that made him do that? Is it the presence of evil in his life .. or has his life been simply SO lacking in Goodness that he knows nothing more? I feel like I need to come to some sort of resolution in this to complete this blog .. but all I can do is come up with my thoughts.

I think it's both .. I think he did it because the absence of good in his life created evil ... so the presence of evil in his life made him act... oww, my brain.

Grace is enough

2008-08-29T06:17:00.000-07:00

Some fun pictures from Family Camp last weekend:

Good morning!

Right now I'm sitting here, cup of coffee to my left, Brooke Rebecca to my far left, Dumbo on TV and Paige on the couch w/ a sippy and some cheerios - we're all still in jammies - and I'm taking this moment to myself before the day begins.

Life couldn't be better. It really couldn't.

I'm in a place in my life that I've never been before, and honestly you don't hear many people talk about life the way that I am lately. It's soo fun, sooo good and really, to be honest: perfect.

(RIGHT when I typed that, Brooke dropped her sippy on the floor and said "uh oh" .... figures!)

Anyways .. comic relief aside, life really does feel good right now and unfortunately that scares me to death.

I guess it's because I have been through it. I've been though some pretty hard stuff and to be in a place where things feel GOOD and RIGHT is scary because someone has hard-wired it into my head that God doesn't work through the easy stuff .. he doesn't change and form us while we're in the easy places. He works when life is hard.

A quote from a book I'm currently reading:

"If you know the way God works, then you realize that being deported, banished, captured, jailed, or enslaved is just another way of saying that you are being sent by God on a mission. That's how God orchestrates the spread of His redemptive narrative. You see, in God's economy, good news often comes of age in rather harsh circumstances."

SEE???? It's common ... it's known ... so what does this mean?

Truth be known: I'm scared that something terrible is going to happen to ruin all that is well with me, and for what it's worth, I want to buck the system.

Now I know the answers ... I was in ministry ... I know what to say ... and it was actually said perfectly to me by a good friend. "Maybe God isn't in the chiseling, mashing, forming stages of sculpting you ... maybe he's sanding, blowing off the dust" ... which feels GOOD to hear ... I need that truth ... but we all know that the hard stuff is going to come ... life doesn't stay perfect.

So today I don't have anything profound to say ... just an update. A line from a Caedman's Call song to end ...

My faith is like shifting sand

changed by every wave

My faith is like shifting sand

So I stand on GRACE

Where Have I Been???? (and p.s."A Day In The Life")

2008-08-19T06:37:00.001-07:00

Alright, I'm getting back into the routine, but I know I will continue to blog and break .. blog and break ... just an fyi. THANK YOU for checking my blog each day -- I love when I write and things click and become something more than just my thoughts. It couldn't be more than "just thoughts" without readers though .. so thank you.

SOO ... since my last post:

Paige became Supergirl ..

Brooke turned one ....

SEVEN cousins (under age 5) took an adorable picture on our front porch...

and soooo much more ...

It has been an awesome summer. This morning everyone is up early and we're heading to the park. I'll write more later ...

---p.s. --- "A Day In The Life" (it's now 3:30 p.m.)

So .. the trip to the park ... can I just tell you what it's like to be me ... this story, known to my sister and I would be "A Becky" ... just one of those things that happens to me ...

I felt good this a.m. I got the girls dressed in matching outfits (which normally is NOT my thing .. but these aren't TOO matchy-matchy .. but just enough), I did my make-up and hair - put on a cute outfit. We all looked great and I was planning on taking some adorable pictures of the girls at the Belleview park/petting zoo... so we get our picnic packed, shoes on, sippies in hand, and headed out.

First stop: Wells Fargo. Mom's out of cash, so we gotta hit the ATM.

Second Stop: Drive-Thru Starbucks (need I explain?)

Third Stop: park .. bliss .. fun ... Beach girls being adorable and taking cute pictures.

k, so what's the problem?

See .. between the first and second stop, the car, specifically Brooke's side of the car, sounded a bit like an off-set dryer .. thudthudthudthudthudthud.

I was actually pulling into the parking lot of Starbucks when we all heard the mysterious noise. So I pulled into a parking spot, checked out the tire, and alas, there it was, a HUGE metal thing sticking in my tire. (Insert profanity here ... sorry, but it was the first/only thought that came to my head).

So the next thing I did was get my venti iced carmel macchiato (what?) and then headed to the "Big O" that the nice starbucks lady said was "just around the corner" ...

It wasn't "just around the corner" .. or .. I never saw it. (quite possible)

So I did the next best thing -- called my Dreamy to tell him that I was driving the car on a tire that had a huge metal thing in it with his precious babies in the back seat. I asked him to please "google" Big O and rescue us! Poor Mark ... he doesn't deserve my brainlessness ...

His computer didn't seem to be cooperating, the noise was still thudding, and my head was on a swivel (that was for you DH) trying to locate SOME KIND of tire store.

Suddenly: silence

Was it gone? Was the problem fixed? Maybe the metal thing wasn't actually IN the tire, it was just stuck in the tread??? Could I be that lucky???

Still googling, still searching ... and then the next noise began ... MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM (those are very VERY loud "Ms").

I'm still on the phone with Mark and at this point, I know I have no choice but to pull over. I take a right and there it is ... Good Year/Jiffy Lube ... ya gotta love the Big Man's sense of humor ... He must have needed a "Becky" today.

So we go in, sit the girls in front of the TV that is in the lobby .. Barney ... God Bless Barney ... candy .. God Bless candy ... and wait for the prognosis.

Long story short .. the "big metal thing" containing tire is no longer with us, we now have a new one ... and the spare worked beautifully to get us to the park today. It was a wonderful day at the park ... we just had a little detour getting there.

Now is the time when I like to pull something together that feels really fuzzy and warm and makes me cry a little .. and all of that emotion is there for me with just a few cliches: God Provides. He Gives and Takes Away. He is with us. Oh, and yes, God does have a sense of humor.

I'm just so glad I know Him. and today, for me, was just another reminder of how well He knows me. and loves me. and never lets me out of his sight for one second .. even if I think I've got it all under control myself.

Little Children

2008-06-26T12:38:00.000-07:00

"I praise you father, for you have hidden things from the wise... and revealed them to little children" Matthew 11:25

cool verse.

I'm a mom, so today I:

-gave Paige a popsicle at 8:30 a.m. for celebrating "poop in the potty"

-tried not to get too upset when Brooke didn't cuddle when she took her bottle (again)

-got down on the ground and PLAYED with Paige at Little Gym instead of talking with my friends

-held Paige's hand and 1-2-3 JUMPED the curb when going to the car

-took Paige to McDonald's for lunch and went into the playplace with her because she wanted me to go down the slide with her

-added more ketchup to the ketchup pile even though there was already plenty there

-walked a little slower so Paige could carry the heavy bag

-read 4 books before nap time and sang 2 songs

--got REALLY excited about seeing a school bus

-drove the long way home to see the horsies

-played peek-a-boo and offered toys instead of holding Brooke down the way I usually do for her diaper change

-etc. etc. etc.

I definitely have moments when I really try and make life more fun for my kids. But ya know .. and well, we all know .. it's the kids that make life more fun.

When I was at McDonald's (see bullet point above), I saw moms, babysitters, dads, grammas, and whoever else hanging out with their kids. The majority of people walked in looking TIRED ... exhausted from the day and trying to find rest (sanctuary even) at ... yes it's true ... McDonald's. Anyways - I was kind of people watching while we were eating and I saw this one woman playing with a 7 year old girl. She didn't want to - you could tell. The little girl was grabbing her (mother's?) hands, running in circles around her while laughing hysterically despite her mother's total lack of interest. The little girl was in her own world, having the time of her life. I have SOOO been there; trying to catch a break from the kids but the kids are hanging ALL OVER ME .. surrounding me ... pulling on me... grabbing and staring and doing WHATEVER IT TAKES to get my attention ... man, is it just me, or is that annoying????

Today I got to take a step back ... and from the outside, the "tired adult:crazy kiddo" interaction looks a lot different. It looks like a "grown up" being lured, tempted and I even want to go as far as to say seduced by a child's persistent playfulness: laughing, giggling, staring, tugging, stomping, jumping, twirling, PULLING, just REACHING for SOMETHING, SOME kind of response ... but with absolutely no concern, I'm talking ZERO concern -- for how the adult feels. All they know is that they want with every ounce of energy and love in ways that they can't define.

hmm, I like that. All they know is that they WANT with every ounce of energy, and LOVE in ways they can't define ...

Get this ... I kept watching their interaction, and suddenly it happened ... the 7 year old's actions broke through and her mom couldn't hold it in any longer ... mom looked at her daughter and surrendered. They connected. I watched the mother crack a smile, burst into laughter, and reach out to her daughter. They soon became a laughing, giggling, tugging, stomping, jumping, twirling good time.

That's the stuff. Right there ... good friggen stuff.

"I praise you Father, for you have hidden things from the wise... and revealed them to little children" Matthew 11:25

alright, alright!!

2008-06-25T12:24:00.000-07:00

Before I begin -- WELCOME TO THE WORLD LILLIE ELIZABETH BEACH!! :) (Lillie is my new niece born yesterday at 6:53 a.m.) I have pictures ... I'll put some in later ... SO FUN AND SOO EXCITING!!!!

.. so I can't believe I haven't written about anything in sooo long .. I feel like as soon as I get things back in order, I just can't sit myself down to finish a blog!! I did START quite a few .. their titles are:

I feel like blogging tonight, but I'm not sure ...
Little Moments
Paige again .. almost didn't write about this
Untitled
A day in the life ..
Swiper, NO SWIPING!

... and I actually started one 2 days ago aiming to list out every single little thing I had done that day -- but then got too busy to get them all written.

How did I get so busy, and what in the world makes it that way???

I guess right now I feel like I "should" write something moving about busy-ness and how it's important to be still and find rest and blah blah blah ... but maybe it's not truly rest if there's a "should" attached to it .. can I get an "amen"?

So seriously -- how do you get to a place where you're not living the way you're "supposed" to, and just simply live?

deep thoughts ...

new blog soon ..

2008-06-16T20:15:00.000-07:00

a few of you have asked why I haven't posted again ... it's coming I promise!! :) We just got back from the beach in NC, so as soon as I get back in my groove, I'll be bloggin'!

(thanks so much for being interested!!!! it means the world)

Thanks...

2008-06-01T05:37:00.000-07:00

I think I really like this "blogging" thing!

When I write it "out loud":

It's no longer a memory to recall, it's history recorded.
I confess and learn that mercy IS new every morning--even if it's not from my 2 year old -- and I make better choices next time.
I feel like I grow as a person when I'm vulnerable and share my heart - it takes some guts, ya know?
I putting faith in the hope that you have experienced something that I have, and we can connect. After all, we're made with a longing to be known, right?

Thank you for reading. Thank you for wanting to know me. I love the comments and I so appreciate the encouragement.

Happy June! (6 more days 'til the BEACH!)

Blessings

2008-05-30T20:03:00.000-07:00

I just had another precious moment with Paige. I have to write about it because I don't want it to go away. It was bedtime again, after prayers. (Paige prayed this time: "Thank you for my God. Thank you for my food. I'm really sleepy. Amen"). She asked me to sing to her and tonight she didn't want, "Love'm in the mornin." (See a few blogs back). She wanted "Jesus."

PAUSE ... ya just gotta take that in for a second don't ya? She wanted Jesus.

So, of course, I sang "Jesus Loves Me." (Her version is below).

Precious, isn't it?

Back to bedtime.

Something precious happens in the room when I sing to her. The atmosphere changes. She is calm. I get very sentimental and a bit emotional, and we experience a bond that I can't describe. I'm sure you other mom's and dad's out there know what I'm talking about .. it's beautiful.

Anyways .. after "Jesus" she asked me to sing a different song. She was trying to name it, but I couldn't understand her. I asked her to sing it so I could try and figure it out. She tried; I couldn't. I asked her who taught it to her and she said, "My daddy sings it." Then she tried to sing again. This time, I made out a few words and she had the tune right. The "ah ha" moment happened, and I sang ... for her ... (pause)... FOR her.

Lord prepare me, to be a sanctuary

Pure and Holy, tried and true

With thanksgiving,

I'll be a living sanctuary

For You.

Oh MAN, how I want those words to be a reflection of her heart. I have such a hunger for her to want to be a Dwelling Place. I want it more than anything. I want her to know Jesus, know her Savior and truly be a Pure and Holy sanctuary for Him.

Have you ever wanted something so badly that you hurt inside? I felt that tonight as I was singing that song for her. I felt it and I really think she did too because as I was singing, she began to gently trace my face with her special blanket. It was almost as if she was trying to comfort that longing ... the hurt that I was feeling. My baby was comforting me as I sang (her words?) FOR her.

I am so grateful to Mark for teaching her that song. What a beautiful prayer for Paige. Thank you Dreamy. I mean really .. I'm a bit beside myself in thanksgiving. How did I get matched with such a wonderful man? A man so unlike any man I've ever known ..

Blessings ... so many blessings.

Brooke Rebecca

2008-05-24T06:28:00.000-07:00

Wheeeeeeere's Brooke?

Here She Is!!!

How fun is this game??? Brooke is 10 months old now, and started playing it about a month ago. Last night, she decided to join the dinner party we were having. At 9:15 she "spoke up" from her little bed and decided to come down and be a grown-up for a bit. The above pictures were how she decided to entertain, and entertain she did! (Don't tell big sister (1.) that she was up and (2.) that she was playing with her home-made placemat!!)

A few words to describe Brooke ... passionate, happy, easy-going, strong, confident, feisty, little, charming, busy, determined, good, precious, tender, cute.... and so much more.

I thought I was pregnant the other day -- took a test and everything ... and no, I'm not. I was SOOO excited about baby #3 when my friends were teasing me (there's a whole story behind this) but the ONLY "second thought" I had was for my Brooke. If we were expecting another one so soon, I'd be a little sad for my Brooke. It would seem that through the excitement of our third, the attention would shift, and it would feel like "second child syndrome" would start all too soon. Anyways ... I'm not, so she's still my baby, and I'm so glad that she is!!

more later ... gotta go be a mom ...

2 Year-Old Mercy

2008-05-21T19:56:00.000-07:00

Love'm in the mornin' when you see the sun risin'

Love'm in the evenin' 'cause He took you through the day

and in the in-between time when you feel the pressure comin'

Remember that He loves you and He promises to stay

The melody to that song is very sweet, and has become the lullaby that I sing to the girls before they go to bed. Often it's much more of a reminder for me. I need that reminder. All too often, it comes too late.

Tonight I messed up. Man, I hate the moments when I let circumstances get to me and I snap. I was helping Paige brush her teeth. She was in a goofy mood; I wasn't. I wanted her to be a robot and obey every command I gave. She was putting her mouth on the toothpaste and squeezing it in her mouth. Gross. She was pretending to be "noodle knees" and wouldn't stand up. Irritating. Then, when I asked her to open her mouth to brush in the back, she bit down on the toothbrush. Snap. It was at that point that I became the 2-year-old and she became the grown-up. I made a mean face, aggressively pushed her away, and roughly made her sit down as if I was putting her in time out.

Can you believe I did that?

As she fell completely apart sitting there, the hot, overwhelming flood of regret rushed over my head, overflowed my heart, and became thick black sludge in the pit of my stomach.

I.... felt..... awful...

Completely nauseated, I lifted her up, looked her in the eyes, and told her how sorry I was. I told her that the way I acted was wrong and that she didn't deserve to be treated that way. Then I just held her, held her, held her. I never ever want to treat her that way. She doesn't deserve it and I just completely messed up. Unfortunately, this most-likely won't be the last time.

When the moment passed, so much of me wanted to go get her a big bowl of ice cream, cover it with candy and tell her that tomorrow we would go buy her anything she wants. But, of course, I didn't do that. We did "take 2" and got teeth brushed. This time, I was much more patient and I was a bit relieved that she didn't "perform" perfectly and needed some reminders as to when to do what. It felt right that we finished what we started, minus the BIG mess up in between.

Later at bedtime prayers, she asked me to pray. Our prayers tend to be a recap of the day, thanking God for each of the moments we shared that day. At the end, we run though the "God Blesses." God Bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy, God Bless Brooke, etc. etc.

Well, tonight while running through GBs, Paige reached over and held my hand.

I so want that to be this defining moment of Grace and Redemption, but I fumbled it. I tried to recover and grab on to her sweet gesture, but when I opened my eyes and went to grab back, she was over it. Dangit!!!

However ... I do have to say: that did it. Her reaching out to me in the intimate moment of bedtime prayer was a beautiful thing I'd like to call 2-year-old mercy. I'm not sure this mercy is as free flowin' as God's .. being new every morning'n all, but I'm praying that it's close.

We sang:

Love'm in the morning when you see the sun risin'

Love'm in the evening 'cause he took you through the day

And in the in-between time when you feel the pressure comin'

Remember that He loves you and He promises to stay

... and God bless Paige. Amen.

A simple day ...

2008-05-20T19:06:00.000-07:00

I don't know .. I'm tired tonight. A day full of "to do's" but still fun. Paige and I spent Brooke's morning nap time planting petunias in front. She's so funny. With every hole I dug, she asked if there was a worm in there. She loves worms. She says she wants to snuggle them and love them. Gross. The dichotomy is that she HATES when grass gets on her hand. Every time she would put the nasty, slimy worm into the ground, she'd SHRIEK. "MOMMY HELP!" ... it scared me to death ... and then I'd look and see that she had a big ol' blade of grass on her hand. Now that I think of it, that started at a young age .. watch the end of this video as she's playing with Maggie. I think she was around 18 months old here ...

cute, huh?

Anyways .. I don't know how to explain to her how much grosser worms are than grass, I guess she'll have to figure that one out herself (I hope).

I'm gonna spend some time tryin' to make this blog look a little prettier ... and include some pictures of Brooke!! She hasn't been talked about much yet. Stay tuned.

Perfect Moments and Windows ...

2008-05-19T06:19:00.000-07:00

I'd love to have some sort of artistic way of expressing how perfect my time with Paige was yesterday .. but since I'm not gifted that way, I'm going to just write from my heart.

Yesterday was one of those warm days that normally come at the beginning of summer. It was 85 degrees and beautiful ... I had gone to church by myself to hear Brennan Manning speak (which is another blog for another day). Mark stayed home with the girls because Brooke has been sick and developed a pretty nasty rash. Anyways .. I ran into some dear friends from the Downing House and was invited to Martha Dell and Shelly's birthday bash .. a really great party they throw every year and ask for donations for Young Life campership money. SO ... (do you see how I write "all over the place"? I do this in conversation too ... if you have any advice for keeping me on ONE subject, please share).

So ... I got home from church in time for lunch. Mark was feeding the girls and I brought home Quizznos for the grown ups. (See!!! These facts don't matter .. I just feel compelled to explain every detail of how I ended up at "perfect moments #1 and #2").

Speaking of which ... #1 ... So after lunch we all went outside in the backyard to play. Mark was doing some yard work, Brooke was on her blanket playing and Paige and I headed for the swings. Paige still likes to swing in the baby swing and I like that too because I can get her pretty dang high. She loves it. We play the "underdog" game ... we count .. "1 ... 2 .... say UNDERDOG" .. Paige screams, "UNDERDOOOOOOOOOG!!" I say, "I can't hear you!! Louder!" .. Paige: "UN-DER-DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOG!!!!" .. and I do the underdog ... she laughs and swings, and then we sing a song I made up when she was littler ..

Swing, Swing ... early in the morning

Swing, Swing ... all day long

Swing, Swing ... late into the evening

When I swing ... I sing this song

Yesterday as she was "touching the sky" she said, "I want Mommy to swing" ... such phrases are usually followed up with "Paige, can you ask nicely?" .. then followed with, "Mommy please swing?" .. so cute .. but today I didn't follow up with any such correction .. today I said, "OKAY!" .. and sat myself down on the "big girl swing".

The perfect moment, like the ones you see in watercolor art or in movies .. starts here ... Paige was swinging, I was swinging .. and I leaned WAY back, Paige even said, "mommy's laying down!" .. and we laughed ... I was free for a moment ... a little girl again .. swinging with my best friend and feeling the cool air blow around me. When I looked over at Paige, I noticed it. The wind started blowing the sweet smelling white flowers off of the trees that are on each side of the swing set and were landing on us. I was looking at a perfectly blue sky, swinging with my first baby and flowers were getting caught in our hair as we were swinging. Can you see it? It really was absolutely perfect. It is a moment I hope to never forget.

Perfect Moment #2 (which is comprised of several moments in one) happened after nap time.

I woke Paige up at 4:30 p.m. (just bragging here ... ha ha) to go to the birthday bash at the Downing House. I hadn't gone to an event at the DH in a couple of years, so I was looking forward to catching up with some old friends. The catching up part happened, but that wasn't what I loved about the picnic. I loved being with Paige. I don't think I've had a whole lot of "one on one" time with Paige since Brooke has been born. We flew a kite together, we swam together, we ate popsicles together, ate candy together, laughed and played together ... together .. me and my Paige ... just us .. it's bringing tears to my eyes to recall it. I just LOVED it.

The best part was the kite. I took off my shoes and ran with it until it was high enough to catch the wind. Paige did that scream-laugh that little kids do. Clapping and running and laughing ... SOO free and happy ... again, like you see in watercolor art or in artsy movies. I got the kite up and handed the reins to Paige. She was in heaven ... and heaven was in her .. it was so beautiful. We flew the kite for about 15 minutes, and when we were done, I lowered it slowly toward her, and she chased the tail until she caught it. I hope she remembers it, I will certainly never ever forget.

k .. I HAVE to write that Paige just woke up (it's 8 a.m. .. bragging again) and she's singing "happy birthday" to someone in her bed ... don't you just want to EAT HER UP???? She's friggen precious.

Here's the deal ... if I was artistic and creative in my writing, I'd be able to take you there.. give you the experiences that I had yesterday .. but maybe they were just for me -- God's little window into His Greatness. It felt like that .. like it was a window to heaven .. like something supernatural touching my soul and giving me rest, peace and indescribable joy all at once.

oh wow .. and I just remembered something ... this is a pretty vulnerable thing ... and this is God's beauty ... you see, I miscarried between Paige and Brooke ... and I wrote a letter to my baby in my grief. In that letter, I wished yesterday's perfect moments for my baby. I prayed that my little one would have green grass, bare feet and swing sets in heaven with his Gramma Margaret (who Paige is named after). I'm so so grateful for the window God gave me yesterday -- maybe it was Him showing me what my little angel is doing ... my dreams for that one coming true.

Writing is good .. even if it's just for me.

Blog Virginity

2008-04-14T10:21:00.000-07:00

Well .. I guess I'm "doing it" .. I'm losing the ol' "Blog Virginity". I have a handful of friends that have blogs, and I LOVE reading them. I have to say, that this is friggen VULNERABLE, isn't it? There's no tellin' if I'll actually do this.

A little about me: I'm a wife to an amazing man, and a mother of two precious daughters. Paige is 2 1/2 and Brooke is 8 1/2 months. I get to stay home with them, which leaves me little time to blog .. but hey, it's a start, right?

I'm sure this will happen a lot, but as I'm writing/creating this thing, Brooke has woken up and is ready for her lunch.