Blessings

I just had another precious moment with Paige.  I have to write about it because I don't want it to go away.  It was bedtime again, after prayers.  (Paige prayed this time:  "Thank you for my God. Thank you for my food. I'm really sleepy. Amen").  She asked me to sing to her and tonight she didn't want, "Love'm in the mornin."  (See a few blogs back).   She wanted "Jesus." 

PAUSE ... ya just gotta take that in for a second don't ya?   She wanted Jesus.

So, of course, I sang "Jesus Loves Me." (Her version is below).   

Precious, isn't it?  

Back to bedtime.  

Something precious happens in the room when I sing to her.  The atmosphere changes.  She is calm.  I get very sentimental and a bit emotional, and we experience a bond that I can't describe.  I'm sure you other mom's and dad's out there know what I'm talking about .. it's beautiful.  

Anyways .. after "Jesus" she asked me to sing a different song.  She was trying to name it, but I couldn't understand her.  I asked her to sing it so I could try and figure it out.  She tried; I couldn't.  I asked her who taught it to her and she said, "My daddy sings it." Then she tried to sing again.  This time, I made out a few words and she had the tune right.  The "ah ha" moment happened, and I sang ... for her ... (pause)... FOR her. 

Lord prepare me, to be a sanctuary

Pure and Holy, tried and true

With thanksgiving, 

I'll be a living sanctuary

For You. 

Oh MAN, how I want those words to be a reflection of her heart. I have such a hunger for her to want to be a Dwelling Place.  I want it more than anything.  I want her to know Jesus, know her Savior and truly be a Pure and Holy sanctuary for Him.  

Have you ever wanted something so badly that you hurt inside? I felt that tonight as I was singing that song for her.  I felt it and I really think she did too because as I was singing, she began to gently trace my face with her special blanket.  It was almost as if she was trying to comfort that longing ... the hurt that I was feeling.  My baby was comforting me as I sang (her words?) FOR her. 

I am so grateful to Mark for teaching her that song.  What a beautiful prayer for Paige.  Thank you Dreamy.   I mean really .. I'm a bit beside myself in thanksgiving.  How did I get matched with such a wonderful man?  A man so unlike any man I've ever known .. 

Blessings ... so many blessings.  

Brooke Rebecca

                        Wheeeeeeere's Brooke?

                          Here She Is!!!  

How fun is this game???  Brooke is 10 months old now, and started playing it about a month ago. Last night, she decided to join the dinner party we were having.  At 9:15 she "spoke up" from her little bed and decided to come down and be a grown-up for a bit.  The above pictures were how she decided to entertain, and entertain she did!  (Don't tell big sister (1.) that she was up and (2.) that she was playing with her home-made placemat!!)

A few words to describe Brooke ... passionate, happy, easy-going, strong, confident, feisty, little, charming, busy, determined, good, precious, tender, cute.... and so much more.  

I thought I was pregnant the other day -- took a test and everything ... and no, I'm not.  I was SOOO excited about baby #3 when my friends were teasing me (there's a whole story behind this) but the ONLY "second thought" I had was for my Brooke.  If we were expecting another one so soon, I'd be a little sad for my Brooke.  It would seem that through the excitement of our third, the attention would shift, and it would feel like "second child syndrome" would start all too soon.  Anyways ... I'm not, so she's still my baby, and I'm so glad that she is!! 

more later ... gotta go be a mom ... 

2 Year-Old Mercy

Love'm in the mornin' when you see the sun risin'

Love'm in the evenin' 'cause He took you through the day

and in the in-between time when you feel the pressure comin'

Remember that He loves you and He promises to stay

The melody to that song is very sweet, and has become the lullaby that I sing to the girls before they go to bed.  Often it's much more of a reminder for me.  I need that reminder.  All too often, it comes too late. 

Tonight I messed up.  Man, I hate the moments when I let circumstances get to me and I snap. I was helping Paige brush her teeth.  She was in a goofy mood; I wasn't.  I wanted her to be a robot and obey every command I gave.  She was putting her mouth on the toothpaste and squeezing it in her mouth. Gross.  She was pretending to be "noodle knees" and wouldn't stand up.  Irritating.  Then, when I asked her to open her mouth to brush in the back, she bit down on the toothbrush.  Snap.  It was at that point that I became the 2-year-old and she became the grown-up.  I made a mean face, aggressively pushed her away, and roughly made her sit down as if I was putting her in time out. 

Can you believe I did that? 

As she fell completely apart sitting there, the hot, overwhelming flood of regret rushed over my head, overflowed my heart, and became thick black sludge in the pit of my stomach. 

I.... felt..... awful...

Completely nauseated, I lifted her up, looked her in the eyes, and told her how sorry I was. I told her that the way I acted was wrong and that she didn't deserve to be treated that way. Then I just held her, held her, held her.  I never ever want to treat her that way.  She doesn't deserve it and I just completely messed up. Unfortunately, this most-likely won't be the last time.

When the moment passed, so much of me wanted to go get her a big bowl of ice cream, cover it with candy and tell her that tomorrow we would go buy her anything she wants.  But, of course, I didn't do that.  We did "take 2" and got teeth brushed.  This time, I was much more patient and I was a bit relieved that she didn't "perform" perfectly and needed some reminders as to when to do what.  It felt right that we finished what we started, minus the BIG mess up in between.  

Later at bedtime prayers, she asked me to pray.  Our prayers tend to be a recap of the day, thanking God for each of the moments we shared that day.  At the end, we run though the "God Blesses." God Bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy, God Bless Brooke, etc. etc.  

Well, tonight while running through GBs, Paige reached over and held my hand.  

I so want that to be this defining moment of Grace and Redemption, but I fumbled it.  I tried to recover and grab on to her sweet gesture, but when I opened my eyes and went to grab back, she was over it. Dangit!!!   

However ... I do have to say:  that did it.  Her reaching out to me in the intimate moment of bedtime prayer was a beautiful thing I'd like to call 2-year-old mercy.  I'm not sure this mercy is as free flowin' as God's .. being new every morning'n all, but I'm praying that it's close.

We sang:    

Love'm in the morning when you see the sun risin'

Love'm in the evening 'cause he took you through the day

And in the in-between time when you feel the pressure comin'

Remember that He loves you and He promises to stay

Remember that He loves you and He promises to stay

... and God bless Paige. Amen. 

A simple day ...

I don't know .. I'm tired tonight.  A day full of "to do's" but still fun.  Paige and I spent Brooke's morning nap time planting petunias in front.  She's so funny.  With every hole I dug, she asked if there was a worm in there.  She loves worms.  She says she wants to snuggle them and love them.  Gross.  The dichotomy is that she HATES when grass gets on her hand.  Every time she would put the nasty, slimy worm into the ground, she'd SHRIEK.  "MOMMY HELP!" ... it scared me to death ... and then I'd look and see that she had a big ol' blade of grass on her hand. Now that I think of it, that started at a young age .. watch the end of this video as she's playing with Maggie. I think she was around 18 months old here ...   

cute, huh?  

Anyways .. I don't know how to explain to her how much grosser worms are than grass, I guess she'll have to figure that one out herself (I hope).  

I'm gonna spend some time tryin' to make this blog look a little prettier ... and include some pictures of Brooke!!  She hasn't been talked about much yet.  Stay tuned. 

Perfect Moments and Windows ...

I'd love to have some sort of artistic way of expressing how perfect my time with Paige was yesterday .. but since I'm not gifted that way, I'm going to just write from my heart. 

Yesterday was one of those warm days that normally come at the beginning of summer.  It was 85 degrees and beautiful ... I had gone to church by myself to hear Brennan Manning speak (which is another blog for another day). Mark stayed home with the girls because Brooke has been sick and developed a pretty nasty rash.  Anyways .. I ran into some dear friends from the Downing House and was invited to Martha Dell and Shelly's birthday bash .. a really great party they throw every year and ask for donations for Young Life campership money.  SO ... (do you see how I write "all over the place"?  I do this in conversation too ... if you have any advice for keeping me on ONE subject, please share).

So ... I got home from church in time for lunch.  Mark was feeding the girls and I brought home Quizznos for the grown ups.  (See!!! These facts don't matter .. I just feel compelled to explain every detail of how I ended up at "perfect moments #1 and #2").  

Speaking of which ... #1 ... So after lunch we all went outside in the backyard to play.  Mark was doing some yard work, Brooke was on her blanket playing and Paige and I headed for the swings.  Paige still likes to swing in the baby swing and I like that too because I can get her pretty dang high.  She loves it.  We play the "underdog" game ... we count .. "1 ... 2 .... say UNDERDOG" .. Paige screams, "UNDERDOOOOOOOOOG!!" I say, "I can't hear you!!  Louder!" .. Paige: "UN-DER-DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOG!!!!" .. and I do the underdog ... she laughs and swings, and then we sing a song I made up when she was littler .. 

Swing, Swing ... early in the morning

Swing, Swing ... all day long

Swing, Swing ... late into the evening

When I swing ... I sing this song

Yesterday as she was "touching the sky" she said, "I want Mommy to swing" ... such phrases are usually followed up with "Paige, can you ask nicely?" .. then followed with, "Mommy please swing?" .. so cute .. but today I didn't follow up with any such correction .. today I said, "OKAY!" .. and sat myself down on the "big girl swing".  

The perfect moment, like the ones you see in watercolor art or in movies .. starts here ... Paige was swinging, I was swinging .. and I leaned WAY back, Paige even said, "mommy's laying down!" .. and we laughed ... I was free for a moment ... a little girl again .. swinging with my best friend and feeling the cool air blow around me.  When I looked over at Paige, I noticed it.  The wind started blowing the sweet smelling white flowers off of the trees that are on each side of the swing set and were landing on us.  I was looking at a perfectly blue sky, swinging with my first baby and flowers were getting caught in our hair as we were swinging.  Can you see it?  It really was absolutely perfect.  It is a moment I hope to never forget.

Perfect Moment #2 (which is comprised of several moments in one) happened after nap time. 

I woke Paige up at 4:30 p.m. (just bragging here ... ha ha) to go to the birthday bash at the Downing House.  I hadn't gone to an event at the DH in a couple of years, so I was looking forward to catching up with some old friends.  The catching up part happened, but that wasn't what I loved about the picnic.  I loved being with Paige.  I don't think I've had a whole lot of "one on one" time with Paige since Brooke has been born.  We flew a kite together, we swam together, we ate popsicles together, ate candy together, laughed and played together ... together .. me and my Paige ... just us .. it's bringing tears to my eyes to recall it.  I just LOVED it. 

The best part was the kite.  I took off my shoes and ran with it until it was high enough to catch the wind.  Paige did that scream-laugh that little kids do.  Clapping and running and laughing ... SOO free and happy ... again, like you see in watercolor art or in artsy movies.  I got the kite up and handed the reins to Paige.  She was in heaven ... and heaven was in her .. it was so beautiful. We flew the kite for about 15 minutes, and when we were done, I lowered it slowly toward her, and she chased the tail until she caught it.  I hope she remembers it, I will certainly never ever forget.

k .. I HAVE to write that Paige just woke up (it's 8 a.m. .. bragging again) and she's singing "happy birthday" to someone in her bed ... don't you just want to EAT HER UP????  She's friggen precious. 

Here's the deal ... if I was artistic and creative in my writing, I'd be able to take you there.. give you the experiences that I had yesterday .. but maybe they were just for me -- God's little window into His Greatness.  It felt like that .. like it was a window to heaven .. like something supernatural touching my soul and giving me rest, peace and indescribable joy all at once.  

oh wow .. and I just remembered something ... this is a pretty vulnerable thing ... and this is God's beauty ... you see, I miscarried between Paige and Brooke ... and I wrote a letter to my baby in my grief.  In that letter,  I wished yesterday's perfect moments for my baby.  I prayed that my little one would have green grass, bare feet and swing sets in heaven with his Gramma Margaret (who Paige is named after).   I'm so so grateful for the window God gave me yesterday -- maybe it was Him showing me what my little angel is doing ... my dreams for that one coming true.  

Writing is good .. even if it's just for me.