2 Year-Old Mercy

Love'm in the mornin' when you see the sun risin'

Love'm in the evenin' 'cause He took you through the day

and in the in-between time when you feel the pressure comin'

Remember that He loves you and He promises to stay

The melody to that song is very sweet, and has become the lullaby that I sing to the girls before they go to bed.  Often it's much more of a reminder for me.  I need that reminder.  All too often, it comes too late. 

Tonight I messed up.  Man, I hate the moments when I let circumstances get to me and I snap. I was helping Paige brush her teeth.  She was in a goofy mood; I wasn't.  I wanted her to be a robot and obey every command I gave.  She was putting her mouth on the toothpaste and squeezing it in her mouth. Gross.  She was pretending to be "noodle knees" and wouldn't stand up.  Irritating.  Then, when I asked her to open her mouth to brush in the back, she bit down on the toothbrush.  Snap.  It was at that point that I became the 2-year-old and she became the grown-up.  I made a mean face, aggressively pushed her away, and roughly made her sit down as if I was putting her in time out. 

Can you believe I did that? 

As she fell completely apart sitting there, the hot, overwhelming flood of regret rushed over my head, overflowed my heart, and became thick black sludge in the pit of my stomach. 

I.... felt..... awful...

Completely nauseated, I lifted her up, looked her in the eyes, and told her how sorry I was. I told her that the way I acted was wrong and that she didn't deserve to be treated that way. Then I just held her, held her, held her.  I never ever want to treat her that way.  She doesn't deserve it and I just completely messed up. Unfortunately, this most-likely won't be the last time.

When the moment passed, so much of me wanted to go get her a big bowl of ice cream, cover it with candy and tell her that tomorrow we would go buy her anything she wants.  But, of course, I didn't do that.  We did "take 2" and got teeth brushed.  This time, I was much more patient and I was a bit relieved that she didn't "perform" perfectly and needed some reminders as to when to do what.  It felt right that we finished what we started, minus the BIG mess up in between.  

Later at bedtime prayers, she asked me to pray.  Our prayers tend to be a recap of the day, thanking God for each of the moments we shared that day.  At the end, we run though the "God Blesses." God Bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy, God Bless Brooke, etc. etc.  

Well, tonight while running through GBs, Paige reached over and held my hand.  

I so want that to be this defining moment of Grace and Redemption, but I fumbled it.  I tried to recover and grab on to her sweet gesture, but when I opened my eyes and went to grab back, she was over it. Dangit!!!   

However ... I do have to say:  that did it.  Her reaching out to me in the intimate moment of bedtime prayer was a beautiful thing I'd like to call 2-year-old mercy.  I'm not sure this mercy is as free flowin' as God's .. being new every morning'n all, but I'm praying that it's close.

We sang:    

Love'm in the morning when you see the sun risin'

Love'm in the evening 'cause he took you through the day

And in the in-between time when you feel the pressure comin'

Remember that He loves you and He promises to stay

Remember that He loves you and He promises to stay

... and God bless Paige. Amen.